so I put my heart out there on the table for grabs. you grabbed it first. you played with it, manipulated it and then when you were done handed it back to me. you made me believe in what you could be. you made me trust the words that left your lips. your voice to me was like sweet music that sang inside my head. the taste of those lips was like a drug that could never leave my system. you broke me down left me shriveled and cold. I had no where to turn but here. this is where I am at, finding my way across this vast land of nothingness. Brought down by the people around me and those who try to pick me up will maybe gain my trust. i walk out of my house with my bare feet on hot coals , my tip toes on bits of broken glass. waiting for the right one to save me, mend me, and pick me out of this crowd.
A very strange thing
is when your charm ceases…
and, for one reason or another,
you become gloomy.
And people cease to understand you
when you need understanding the most.
I now realize that,
for many years,
I have been living a totally false life.
tony - savage grace
Sometimes I think about the people who have come into my life and then left it. I wonder if maybe we just met at the wrong time, and for the ones who left that I cared about , I think that maybe we will meet again someday at a random spot and it will be so epic and everything will work out . but those are only dreams and I am stuck in reality where that most likely will never happen. oh well.
Sometimes I feel like a shitty friend. I see some of my friends with problems and I don’t tell them to stop. I give them advice but in the end let them choose what they want. I don’t really try to convince them of anything , I just go along with what they are saying. I don’t know why I do this cause half the time in my head I am screaming at myself to say ” Do you know what , just stop. you wanna stop feeling sick? , quit the drugs , you wanna feel happy?, then leave him , you wanna find yourself? , then stop sorrowing in your problems and fix them”. My friends look for me for advice and I do give them good advice but is it the right advice? Should I just be brutally honest and deal with the fact that they might get mad at me , but at least maybe something could have gotten through to them? I am scared to risk cause I am selfish , because I want them to come to me so I can feel important. So that I can feel that maybe my problems aren’t as scary as there’s, but what I realize is that they are all still there. Each problem I have and each problem they have. I need to start being honest ….with them and ..with myself.
i stayed up all night.
now listening to Daughter
I really thought I was meant to love you, then again I always guess wrong.